week one.five -- core feelings

So far, so good. I just thought I should check in. Write down a few thoughts before they get away from me. One thought is my core. When Ashley, the personal trainer girl (woman? yes, she is a woman! just not an old crone like me and anyone else who has crossed the five-oh threshold) told me to engage my core, I honestly had to wonder if I had one. And that's what I'm seeking. A core. A core without the fleshy apple around it. Not a skeleton (that will happen soon enough) but a core, what I deem essential self. It's in there, I know, but it's long been buried. How many of us bury our essential selves under projects or work or deadlines or words or children or partners or, indeed, even the culmination of too much food,  flesh? Somehow we are all afraid to be as big as we can be, and I mean that wholely in a metaphysical sense. Perhaps I am big physically because I am not big spiritually, or emotionally, or intellectually? Perhaps those are thing I am still afraid of. What about sexually? Do larger woman disguise their sexuality in flesh, or is that simply society telling us that sexuality is the negation of flesh and only thin, trim, fit women are allowed to have a good old-fashioned swampy romps?
One thing is certain, lifting the weights makes me feel strong. Going to the gym, I still avoid the mirrors for the most part. Sometime I see myself and I don't cringe because I like what I'm doing. It's like sculptin. My body is the block of marble and slowly I'm taking away, taking away until I find the form beneath. I can see it, sort of, who I want to become. And it's still me but smaller, healthier.
I have a young friend who lost 100 pound in one yea. He told me I would be a lot happier when I lost this weight. When I told him I wasn't unhappy now, the way I am he looked me in the eye and replied: "Yes, but trust me, you'll be a lot happier in a year." I don't know if he's right....It will be interesting to find out. I'll check in and post results and exactly what I'm doing on Thursay, the end of week two. Right now, I can honestly say that it's not so bad. I miss bread. I miss wine. (I miss the communion of those two things with others I love) but I will not whine, Not yet, anyway. Later M